Here Goes. . .

I had originally sent this as an email and message to a few people who have shared an interest in our journey in foster and adoption, if you didn't get this it's not because I omitted you - I just know these days fostering / adopting is all I really talk about... - however over the last few weeks so many others have asked about how everything is going and it is so in depth really hard to squeeze it all visually into words much less on paper errr... digital space? More so importantly it gives us a chance to shout out - how Incredible our God is!

....Here Goes....

I feel like I am running a constant rat race between all of the appointments - I need to write one mass email to everyone who has gracefully cared to check on us and X... Well here goes, grab yourself a cup of Joe because it's lengthy ~ so many people have asked how he is doing and what is happening... this is as close as I can get on paper/ e mail (and now blog) - so sorry in advance for it being lengthy....

Last week (November 2011) X had a permanency hearing, we were uncertain on what to do as we have never attended one, I called his CPS caseworker to see if she wanted us to go, she said ask the ad litem.... So I called him, and his response was this...

"The family court system is an open forum to the public anyone is welcome to go" Well nice ... But are we needed?? As you and I both know that is a crazy drive to make and I am already going nonstop running around as it is not to mention I will have to make special arrangements for X since I won't be able to care for him if I do go. Again he (the ad litem) said I could go but it was entirely up to me. I have prayed on many things since we have had X in our home, to give you a glimpse of those prayers, Please help this little boys heart have some of your sweet peace, Please help this little guy adjust into our home, please guide us on what doctors are needed to help him heal and recover from his injuries both physical and emotional, please oh please let us be able to adopt him - ahhh that last one I mentioned... Changed over the course of a couple of months... I saw my want and selfishness in that prayer and really it was gimme things that I really had not searched in my heart of hearts. Something changed in the whole seriousness of what was going on in X's little life, he needed a permanent home to just love him and be there for him, one that would let him blossom and fully thrive into a Good purpose greater than ours.

I woke up Thursday morning @ 4 am realizing I really don't own nice clothes to attend court ... Frustrated I though on a casual sweater and jeans... Justified wearing sneakers as I was walking in downtown Joseph would watch X along with the help of Noel as he was still going to work - so X would be going to work with papa Joe on this day as well - One of the things I have learned this far in fostering is that unless you have a very familiar back up caregiver, it's just not great leaving them... Not good for the child and can be very stressful for the person who hasn't cared for him or her or a child who has a higher level of constant demand for whatever needs he or she may have. So I made it to downtown Houston... I vaguely recalled how much Houston traffic stinks and I mean in a sense of driving in it.... It can test your vocabulary and compassion for others on why they feel the need to cut you off just to get a car length ahead of you... Or the need to ride my bumper... Or the urgency of where they have to be appears to be more important than anyone else.

As I sat there observing other cases, my heart broke for the desperation for the young lady on the bench in front of me wanting her children back... I should have asked her if I could pray for/with her and I missed that chance to do so on the many times she left and returned to the court room because of losing her ability to not to cry .

X's cases was last to be heard... I had shown some pictures to his ad litem before we were called just so he could see how he was doing and in case the judge was curious... The judge seemed nice enough but yet very stern and unwilling to really listen to what anyone had to say including me (even after asking me if I had anything to say) He also so kindly mentioned that this has become some kind of contest with all those who are involved on the legal teams that he can't say what kind of contest it was because it would go on permanent record. He stated that there would be a trial in February.... And prior to that there needed to be a mediation so that everyone could try and come to some sort of agreement - Did I mention this entire time I was standing there less than an arms distance from X's biological mom??? The judge then asked her if there was anything she wanted to ad... And she said yes , since the last hearing she had met a family that was in her aunt and uncles church that was willing to adopt X and that she wanted a home study on them and that WHEN they passed she would relinquish her rights to him as her mom and let them adopt him.... My headed started spinning as so my stomach as the judge ordered CPS to do the home study for consideration. It never ceases to amaze me at how our minds can run a million and 1 thought processes - and still hear what is going around you absorbing it all in - in a split second I felt my heart rise up into my throat and at the same time fall... Did he just order a home study to be done on a family that has no idea who X is, and X has no relation or idea who they are????? Seriously?? The judge all of the sudden asked me how did I feel and all that could come out was that " I am concerned" before he cut me off on my full thought, with "WE ARE ALL CONCERNED" this is a difficult case! When all I needed to say was that I was concerned on the progress X has made, the bond he formed with us, that he only just turned 2 a week prior to this date and that we WE are the only family he has known as an actual family for the last year of his life of having 5 homes including his birth home... In under 17 months of living, but I never was given that opportunity to finish that thought. At some point the lawyers and judge were discussing legal jargon when X's ad litem asked mom if she wanted to see the pictures I brought to court... ( I literally had them developed less than 24 hours prior) she said yes, I glanced over and my reserved shyness dissipated in an instance as I looked at her take them in her hands and slowly thumb through each one observing them, as I wondered what she thought as she looked at them, and then fell out with out me even thinking... If you would want those, you are welcomed to them - If you know me more than a hug or hand shake, you know I am very reserved and to myself at first... This ??? This was NOT me. I mean I just wouldn't talk openly and expose my thoughts- well they weren't my thoughts I was too busy observing her look @ his perfect smile and precious face.... @ some point during the process another family becoming considered for X's forever home, I just said OH GOD..... FATHER ..... Please help me keep it together, Lord please do not let me fall apart in here, and God please let you perfect plan for X unfold and if another home has your blessing on raising this little boy... Please let me have peace and strength in you and every judgement I had in my mind about his mom didn't matter anymore it was gone, the accusation of how could you, why would you, didn't matter as if it didn't exist... And what I saw was a young mom searching in her heart for something just as I was... She said yes to keeping those photos as we both just stood there, I realized at that time we both were lost in the uncertainty of what would happen we both shared a unique interest no matter the underlying reason it was a shared emotion that was unspoken.

Just when I thought it was all said and done.... The ad litem asked her, her uncle and myself into the hallway... And called the uncle into another room... and she and I stood there in that empty hallway... In silence... Again words fell out of my mouth - I just want you to know your son has been such a blessing to not only our family but to many others that have come to know him... And we have been honored and blessed to be a part of his journey... And she looked with a pause... And said thank you... And within seconds a ton of her own reserved thoughts surfaced... Are you a Christian home? Yes, Do you and your family attend church? Yes, Do you have your own children??? Yes... 3 daughters and 1 son.... DJ 21 - who just recently got out of the army, Tre 19 who just graduated high school this past year... And my youngest 2 12 and 13 Noel and Sabrina who are both at home with me home schooled... Probably for their last year as they both express an interest in going to public school for the various activities... In my head as all of this is falling out I had this little voice saying shut up... She doesn't care or need to know any of this but it kept coming out ... She then said - I just want my son to go to a home where I know he is loved, loves God, will share pictures and letters and let me know how he is doing, and without even thinking about it... I said WE COULD AND WOULD DO THAT!!!! And as quick as I said that she too said GOD told her while standing before that judge today when she saw me... She felt that she was being told to reconsider leaving X where he is... In in the same breath I will sign over my rights today, at that time tears resurfaced and that same request of Lord please help me maintain composure also came out... And the door swung open and the ad litem called us both in there, and he told her I came on my own freewill today... That I was not asked, or told to come and that I am here because we also care about her son. She told him that we talked and she wanted us to raise him she wanted us to be his forever family... And said okay that he would start working on the paper work and the he personally would handle the adoption! The mom and I exchanged numbers, and hugs, and went our own way after riding down the elevator.... So many emotions I held myself together feeling like I had to keep myself on the ground, knowing she may change her mind at any given chance...

Since then we have talked a few times via phone, and she has told her lawyer as well as X's CPS caseworker her decision and they all agree that this is the best decision for him!!! I still remain guarded and will have to somehow remind myself that isn't over til those papers are signed... However with each phone call I hear her sincerity... And this last time she said she will start sending his personal stuff that he has... His birth certificate, social security, etc...

I am in complete amazement as I sit here Thanking God for encouraging me to go to court, thanking God for being my voice when all I could do is sit on the rat wheel as my brain circled in a whirlwind of thoughts... Thanking God for the revelation of this is not about our family adopting X, it's about realizing this little guy is HIS ... And this entire time he had his eye on him and in his life, and that I needed to trust and ask for him to be safe and be wherever God wanted him to be, acknowledging and fully embracing and trusting even if that family is not ours... That HIS goodness will always shine through for HIS GLORY... That became our prayer for the last 2 months... Not what we wanted for ourselves but for X. When we became content and just completely trusted without trying to alter/control this whole thing... When we said okay God He is yours, you love him more than we ever could... And had faith that it would all work out for HIS good.

I fail on a regular basis of falling into desperation.....

As I am Gracefully reminded of what kind of God we serve....

Thank You God for loving me and teaching me how to love others... As hard as I think it will be, it isn't Lord when I surrender my all and let you love through me....

Aside all of the above, I also fail in forming my thoughts and words onto paper... I carefully remember that I need to honor our foster sons privacy as well as those involved... And have to refer to him as X for the time being... And remain in constant prayer until the day we can say (hopefully soon) X.... Our son thank you everyone for walking along side of us in this journey... Thank you for your continued prayers.

"Merry Go Round"

Some of you know it has been a long time dream of mine (over 20 yrs) to be a foster adoptive parent - it was almost a year ago when my husband was ready to take the plunge and felt the calling  on his heart too...

This is for those of you who have thought about it...  It took us about 4 months to get all of our paperwork in, background checks, FBI Prints, upgrades/purchases (fire extinguishers etc) and home study -  it then took the agency we went with almost another month to complete the home study and license. We had our license for almost 2 weeks within in those 2 weeks we had 3 calls for various broadcast - on the 3rd one we were selected - for 3 siblings ages 4, 3, 10 months! We were tickled...

 What we didn't know is that the 2 boys more so the older one had emotional needs and then some (this was totally fine with us). Within almost 4 months... their room was in a nutshell destroyed Berber carpet and children who like to smear feces do not mix - the looping and texture is near next to impossible to clean! The numerous toys destroyed, sheet rock damaged, dining room chair, music cds, a karaoke machine as well as my sanity! Those kiddos were placed in a new home for an extended story we can save for another time... needless to say it was NOT because I gave up on them.

Foster care is not a glamorous thing, I hear over and over

1. That's such a nice thing you are doing - My honest response - I am not trying to be nice, I am doing something that I feel in my heart needs to be done... Something where we can actually see and make a difference on some level, if even for a handful of  days, weeks or months.... even with all the frustration of caseworkers (my current fs X has a wonderful cw), a broken system, accusations from bio parents (HA!), endless appointments (my current fs has 5 therapist, a psychologist, orthopedic, pulmonary specialist, neurologist and someone else I am sure I am forgetting) and a lack of support and dirty looks from those who think the child who is swinging from store displays is yours and you need to do something about it.... it's not about being Nice - for me it's about loving a child who's world is broken, knowing I can't fix it - but the love of my God can... and I can introduce them to Him... and prayerfully hope that I can display just a fraction of His love while they are with us daily. 
2. Hey I hear there is decent money to be made - My honest response - Are you serious?? The gas alone in Doctor appointments for current fs eats up a minimum of half of his reimbursement... the other half covers diapers, wipes, food, clothes etc.
3. I couldn't give them back I'm afraid I would be too attached - My honest response - Do you think I am heartless and that I am NOT attached? This ministry is NOT about me - I Love the lyrics in "Hosanna" "Break my heart for what breaks yours" God has expanded my love more so than I ever thought imaginable... I have been taught so many applicable lessons in the short time we have done this... I mean if one child ONE child could have me stand protective of  him as a mama lion would of her own cub - can you IMAGINE the capacity of love and protection our GOD has for each of us when we are hurt or saddened????  Truth is - we are all His children, and @ some point we all have to give up our own biological kids, whether it's to kindergarten, college, marriage, death, the world.... they are temporarily ours to shape, mold and love... the same goes for children in foster care - we are adopted into God's kingdom it's a natural calling to be His hands and feet on earth. I can only pray that I do a decent job doing it and when I'm not He checks me, convicts me, and points me in the right direction.... More so important ministry work isn't supposed to be a cakewalk... there are trial and tribulations, happy, sad, frustrating and a sleuth of other emotions - all I know is I couldn't turn my head away from a child who was sad, hurting, or needing love and attention, there are thousands of children in our country let alone world who need someone to care, someone to push aside their own needs and get over the fact that there will be tears and heartache but it's worth it... for us it is.
4. I would do that too, if I had more time - My honest response - Do you think I had nothing else to do I mean Time?? I forgot what that was... what I do know is somehow God makes time I just have to choose how to utilize it efficiently. 

My merry go round consist of this... We were licensed less than a year ago... our first placement was 3 children 2 months after we had them our 4th placement came in... and we were told he was an adoptable placement - which we were excited about... since then our first 3 children have been moved to a new home... we still have X but his situation is uncertain... he has a good cw in his corner fighting for his safety as well as her supervisor, I am unsure about his ad litem..., and the judge - well I can't give an honest opinion without knowing what in the world is going on inside the courthouse... all I know is we have a little boy who can't really talk just yet (has a vocab of about 40 words) that is having to have unsupervised visits with someone who has possibly broken multiple bones (13) through out his tiny body --- visits are on Sundays from 9 to 4... this little guy screams and cries and can't tell anyone why - where is the justice in this and whose best interest is this for anyhow??? My fear is that he is returned and damaged even more so than now... 

I sit back and take a break to reflect what I have written thus far and have lost my purpose in this post... LOL - I can only laugh at this point because all of my other emotions are on reserve for all of the above, have been exhausted, do not function - you get the idea...

In the nuttiest part of it all - we are instructed on a certain amount of interaction we are supposed to do as far as social/religious/cultural/behavioral/outings/educational/developmental - between all the appointments/foster logs/cw visits/phone calls/bio visits/ there is little time to be just "chill-axed mom" and to top it off I am on a count down on days of having to transfer agencies due to our current one no longer covering region 6 as of 1/1/2012...

So if I miss bible study, look like I need to comb my hair or at best remove the gum from it, have baby socks hanging out my back pocket,  show up to church with kiddie snot rubbed on my shoulder... I apologize - My merry go round is going fast and I am keeping up by a thread of faith.

I wouldn't trade our journey for anything @ this moment as crazy as it has been... I know our God is faithful and we too are faithful and all this busyness is just preparation for the next season! 

Getting it all Together

For over 20 years, I knew @ some point I would want to adopt or be a foster parent... I knew I always wanted a large family - but extended not from just my womb, but a mom to other children ~ a family to those who don't have... Joseph & I have discussed this over the years for the right timing... we always thought our youngest two daughters preteen years or teen years would be best... Over the last two years I have touched on it a bit more, and he just felt he was not foster dad material.  This crushed my heart but certainly a huge decision I would respect.

One evening I went outside... this was sometime around 2010 Christmas... and I mentioned it again to Joseph and he just was not wanting to discuss it he feels that he failed our oldest daughter and felt if he could fail his own child how could he help someone else's? I heard him and understood his heart... but still heartbroken I went inside sat at my desk FRUSTRATED, I put my head in my hands, and just started to pray... God I have been going to the wrong man with my heart, YOU should have been my first stop. Lord you know my heart, I want so much to care for other children, your children, broken, scared, unloved, uncared for children... I want us to be your extended hands and heart on earth. Father, if I am being selfish and this is not your will Lord, please remove it from my heart - and Lord if Joseph and I can be a blessing to other children, if we are able to give these children who need homes and love and most of all - YOU, Lord - please place it on my husbands heart to consider this as a need for him not just a want of mine. . . in your precious sons name Jesus, Amen.

I kid you not in less than a couple of weeks, he came to me and said he was ready... he had talked to a couple of our pastors at church and a few other people he knew that adopted or fostered and said now is our time (THANK YOU GOD!)- January was here and we did our training in Austin for Fostering and Adoption - WOW I wish I would have blogged about this from the very beginning so much to take in... and so much to do, we have listed our references, background checks, FBI finger prints, different forms galore.
What we have left - our vet records, fire and health code inspection - (our county doesn't do it so the agency will) square footage of each room of house, fire escape plan - lock box for medicines and first aid... our home study! ~

I am so thrilled, for now I will stop as I am listening to one of the families being interviewed on the radio about their experiences! - if you are in the Austin or surrounding areas - and are interested in foster parenting or adoption -  please check out Family Link