"Merry Go Round"

Some of you know it has been a long time dream of mine (over 20 yrs) to be a foster adoptive parent - it was almost a year ago when my husband was ready to take the plunge and felt the calling  on his heart too...

This is for those of you who have thought about it...  It took us about 4 months to get all of our paperwork in, background checks, FBI Prints, upgrades/purchases (fire extinguishers etc) and home study -  it then took the agency we went with almost another month to complete the home study and license. We had our license for almost 2 weeks within in those 2 weeks we had 3 calls for various broadcast - on the 3rd one we were selected - for 3 siblings ages 4, 3, 10 months! We were tickled...

 What we didn't know is that the 2 boys more so the older one had emotional needs and then some (this was totally fine with us). Within almost 4 months... their room was in a nutshell destroyed Berber carpet and children who like to smear feces do not mix - the looping and texture is near next to impossible to clean! The numerous toys destroyed, sheet rock damaged, dining room chair, music cds, a karaoke machine as well as my sanity! Those kiddos were placed in a new home for an extended story we can save for another time... needless to say it was NOT because I gave up on them.

Foster care is not a glamorous thing, I hear over and over

1. That's such a nice thing you are doing - My honest response - I am not trying to be nice, I am doing something that I feel in my heart needs to be done... Something where we can actually see and make a difference on some level, if even for a handful of  days, weeks or months.... even with all the frustration of caseworkers (my current fs X has a wonderful cw), a broken system, accusations from bio parents (HA!), endless appointments (my current fs has 5 therapist, a psychologist, orthopedic, pulmonary specialist, neurologist and someone else I am sure I am forgetting) and a lack of support and dirty looks from those who think the child who is swinging from store displays is yours and you need to do something about it.... it's not about being Nice - for me it's about loving a child who's world is broken, knowing I can't fix it - but the love of my God can... and I can introduce them to Him... and prayerfully hope that I can display just a fraction of His love while they are with us daily. 
2. Hey I hear there is decent money to be made - My honest response - Are you serious?? The gas alone in Doctor appointments for current fs eats up a minimum of half of his reimbursement... the other half covers diapers, wipes, food, clothes etc.
3. I couldn't give them back I'm afraid I would be too attached - My honest response - Do you think I am heartless and that I am NOT attached? This ministry is NOT about me - I Love the lyrics in "Hosanna" "Break my heart for what breaks yours" God has expanded my love more so than I ever thought imaginable... I have been taught so many applicable lessons in the short time we have done this... I mean if one child ONE child could have me stand protective of  him as a mama lion would of her own cub - can you IMAGINE the capacity of love and protection our GOD has for each of us when we are hurt or saddened????  Truth is - we are all His children, and @ some point we all have to give up our own biological kids, whether it's to kindergarten, college, marriage, death, the world.... they are temporarily ours to shape, mold and love... the same goes for children in foster care - we are adopted into God's kingdom it's a natural calling to be His hands and feet on earth. I can only pray that I do a decent job doing it and when I'm not He checks me, convicts me, and points me in the right direction.... More so important ministry work isn't supposed to be a cakewalk... there are trial and tribulations, happy, sad, frustrating and a sleuth of other emotions - all I know is I couldn't turn my head away from a child who was sad, hurting, or needing love and attention, there are thousands of children in our country let alone world who need someone to care, someone to push aside their own needs and get over the fact that there will be tears and heartache but it's worth it... for us it is.
4. I would do that too, if I had more time - My honest response - Do you think I had nothing else to do I mean Time?? I forgot what that was... what I do know is somehow God makes time I just have to choose how to utilize it efficiently. 

My merry go round consist of this... We were licensed less than a year ago... our first placement was 3 children 2 months after we had them our 4th placement came in... and we were told he was an adoptable placement - which we were excited about... since then our first 3 children have been moved to a new home... we still have X but his situation is uncertain... he has a good cw in his corner fighting for his safety as well as her supervisor, I am unsure about his ad litem..., and the judge - well I can't give an honest opinion without knowing what in the world is going on inside the courthouse... all I know is we have a little boy who can't really talk just yet (has a vocab of about 40 words) that is having to have unsupervised visits with someone who has possibly broken multiple bones (13) through out his tiny body --- visits are on Sundays from 9 to 4... this little guy screams and cries and can't tell anyone why - where is the justice in this and whose best interest is this for anyhow??? My fear is that he is returned and damaged even more so than now... 

I sit back and take a break to reflect what I have written thus far and have lost my purpose in this post... LOL - I can only laugh at this point because all of my other emotions are on reserve for all of the above, have been exhausted, do not function - you get the idea...

In the nuttiest part of it all - we are instructed on a certain amount of interaction we are supposed to do as far as social/religious/cultural/behavioral/outings/educational/developmental - between all the appointments/foster logs/cw visits/phone calls/bio visits/ there is little time to be just "chill-axed mom" and to top it off I am on a count down on days of having to transfer agencies due to our current one no longer covering region 6 as of 1/1/2012...

So if I miss bible study, look like I need to comb my hair or at best remove the gum from it, have baby socks hanging out my back pocket,  show up to church with kiddie snot rubbed on my shoulder... I apologize - My merry go round is going fast and I am keeping up by a thread of faith.

I wouldn't trade our journey for anything @ this moment as crazy as it has been... I know our God is faithful and we too are faithful and all this busyness is just preparation for the next season!